Guilt

Guilt it's a powerful emotion. An emotion that can alter your perception of the world around you. An emotion that is kicking my butt right now. I've been able to keep it at bay for the most part, but I feel like a volcano building pressure. I figured I should post this before it turns into something it's not.

I know that logically I shouldn't feel guilt, I have no reason to feel it. I'm simply experiencing another wave of life coming up to slap me in the face with a multitude of things to do all at once and I don't know what to do first. I'm feeling guilty because I'm overwhelmed by all that I need to do right now and yet I know it's nothing compared to what others have to deal with. Perhaps it will help if I make a list, so I will here instead of some place else where I may or may not look at it again:

- Setting up utilities

- Going in to pay for my appliances

- Final details are being sorted out with the Argentina trip.

- Getting my bike fixed again (It developed a leak after I got it back from the shop.)

- Finish outfitting by bike

- Get all my travel meds completed

- Setting up and organizing the Reno week

Like I said, the list is not that big, but all of it is very important. I guess the big thing is I feel I should be able to do more. Maybe I should heed my words from a previous blog and just relax, regroup and take it one step at a time. I need to rid myself of this darn stubborn pride I have, accept what I can and cannot do and be happy with it. Pride is not the opposite of shame, it is its source.

Obviously I don't want to just give up and settle. Heck no, but I can't keep beating myself up over things I cannot control. Pick yourself up kid, you're doing well. Stop being such a pessimist.

Just writing this helped me gain some perspective. I feel better about what I'm doing. This is definitely another great benefit of journalling. Thanks team.

See you on the mats

Crossroads

Last week, Sifu Langner challenged me to think of a moment in my life that sticks in my memory which changed the course of my life and brought me to Silent River.

The most impacting moment would have to be when I moved from the place I was living in Leduc to my brother's place in Edmonton over 3 years ago. Several people I talked to at the time said this was a bad idea, but I didn't listen and went through with it anyway. I later regretted the decision for years.

I was in a really good spot in Leduc and I was enjoying every bit of it. However, I had an opportunity to help out my brother financially by renting his house from him and his wife. Unfortunately, there was a falling out between us and I needed to move to a friend's farm for a while. After some time passed I found I was spending more time at my sister's place in Spruce Grove than at home, they offered a room for me to rent and I accepted. While I was there she convinced me to accompany her to the Tai Chi class.

Had I not moved to my brother's place I would not have been in a situation that required me to move to a friend's place and then my sister's place. Being at my sister's place I was available to join her in the Tai Chi class. Had I not joined the Tai Chi class I would not have joined the regular Kung Fu classes and become inspired to join the I Ho Chuan team.

It's interesting to think how much my life would have been different if I just stayed in Leduc. I for one am happy I made the decision I did. It seemed like a very negative set of circumstances at the time, but of course there is always positive in the negative. It just took a bit of time for it to come around.

There you have it, one seemingly unrelated decision brought me here to this point right now.

"What happened before what happened, happened?" - Horseman

ship quote

See you on the mats.

The Path to Mastery

This past Saturday the team had the most emotion and powerful meeting I have been to yet! The main focus was about mediocrity, or rather not accepting mediocrity. Many of us are intimidated by the idea of Mastery. It can be exhausting thinking about what it takes to achieve mastery. However, since this is a goal that is likely not truly possible in a single lifetime, it needs to be viewed another way.

Not accepting mediocrity is a way of doing it. Being mindful and aware of everything you do, not settling for average. Pushing beyond what you think is possible, or even doing ordinary activities just a little bit better every time. To me, it's like long distance bike riding. It seems like so much more of a daunting task if you look at the end point right away. But if you take it one point at a time, before you know it you will get to where you want to go.

The path to mastery is never ending, attempting to abruptly change your way of living won't work. Since it will take so long to achieve, I figure what is the rush? Make it sustainable and enjoy the process, because you will be living with it for the rest of your life. 

See you on the mats.

Horsing Around

Eight of us from the team took part in a 4 hour horsemanship seminar yesterday. I was very happy to have done this because my confidence and comfort level around horses was not where I wanted it to be, considering my mother is an avid horse rider. I realized the biggest part of my uncertainty was the fact that I did not understand the animal. I did not know how to pick up on its behavior and respond correctly. Or even how to approach them properly. We were told the key, like may other things is to remain calm. (Sound familiar?) The horse can feel if you are tense or relaxed and will react accordingly.

I was paired up with this 2 year old quarter horse named Shorty, fitting eh? Him and I clicked instantly! He had so much energy he looked like he could have jumped over the fence if he wanted to. He was a bit stubborn for a couple of the exercises so I had to be assertive, relentless and show him who was in charge. Once he realized this, he was calm and cooperative. We made a pretty good team! This helped me figure out that if I get my point through and stand my ground, the horse and even people will listen and take me seriously.

The most beneficial aspect of this experience for me is I feel like I no longer have any reservations or discomfort regarding horses. I know they are not going to come bite my head off or trample me to death. They are just doing their thing and as long as I remain calm and show them I won't be pushed around, we will get along nicely.  
I would like to thank Tony McKee for hosting this and teaching us these valuable lessons that can be applied to not only horsemanship, but everyday life. I really appreciated it!  

See you on the mats.

Best Canada Day Yet!

Canada Day is a day for celebrating the coming together of this great, vast nation. It is best spent with your family and those you hold closest to you. I think today has definitely hit the nail right on the head! Khona, Randy and I went together this morning to visit Melanie in the hospital. I was very happy to see her again, as well to see that she is definitely on the upswing in her recovery. Having the Alabama group all together again was great!

The rest of the day was spent at Rotary Park where we setup and did a couple of demos, some lion dances and of course goofed around with a 10 ft. beach ball. It felt good to use Po this time as he is the new lion this year. I finally got the scooch part figured out in the wake up sequence! Doing the demos to the drum beat instead of the song we have been practicing to was a bit of a challenge. This is good though as it kept everyone on their toes. We had to solely rely on visual cues rather than visual and audio cues that we are used to.

Seeing how everyone is progressing with their forms is awesome. Everyone seems more confident and fluid, it really shows the dedication we share to do the best we can. I was in awe when Mr. Duncan modified his form on the fly and used the railing on the bridge to jump off of to perform a spinning attack. Well done! 

The giant beach ball was simply a ton of fun. Everyone really just let out their inner kid as we had a huge game of crab soccer. It got everyone involved and the looks from drivers passing by were priceless! Even deflating the thing was hilarious. Definitely a team effort! Sifu Brinker said it was almost therapeutic, and I agree, it was a good way to cool down after all the excitement of the day.

Like I said before, today was a day to spend with your family. This team, the entire school! They are all becoming like a family to me. The Kwoon is our home. I'm glad I could spend today with you. Thank you.

See you on the mats.